I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.