Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.