Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool