You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment