Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted