It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I identify as an antique shop.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime