Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
your honor my client chooses dare
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!