If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
By Kate Hatos
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
i feel so bad i refunded him
