Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?