JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact