Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)