You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine