me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.