This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
How is it still this week?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars