Look at this
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
When he asks for feet pics
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Chemical wingman
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”