*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.