i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?