Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.