“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.