If snakes were wide
If a snake ate a cake
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I cannot stop laughing at this
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out