They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
catch me on valentine’s day like
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this