grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations