About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
