I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change