This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.