Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.