Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.