waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields