WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.