My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.