I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.