First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up