[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.