Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.