one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it