It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.