Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Not my job 😂
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.