“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Not my job 😂
