Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m tired tomorrow.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T