Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me