Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
got so much cardio in today
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato