Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.