I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’