NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*