Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
Text: can I talk to you about something?
Me: throws phone in ocean