Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway