What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”