I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
