Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
