Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’ve been drinking.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Something Saturday.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops