I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Stop making fast and furious movies.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.