90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Holy moly
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
This came to me in a dream.
